The Diabetic Life/Preparing for Motherhood/Upcoming Excitement!

 

So this is my life for the next little while. I finally have the glucometer and feel as though a little bit of control has returned back to my world. My appointment after much back and forth finally got moved to next Wednesday. 

I'll admit, I finally had my nervous breakdown - as I think I needed to. I hope none of the language in the previous post was too much. As a pastors wife I know I should be exemplary...but sometimes I just have to call things what they are and as of the last post, I was on the brink of losing my mind. Add depression, hormones and your world just constantly feeling like it's being flipped upside down and it creates a perfect storm for a nervous breakdown. 

Stephen is fantastic in these instances. I honest to goodness sometimes think I married him because he's the only one that can handle me. I need his calm personality and lately I've needed it more than I have in a LONG time. He allows me to rest, but forces me up and to not be complacent. (And he's about the only person I'll listen to when he says "No you're going outside, you're going to read, we're going to the canyon and you're getting some sun while I take a bike ride." Sorry mom...I know you try. ;-) Ugh, tears as I write this (lots of loving tears and pregnancy hormones!). I love my husband so much, while I couldn't have done this without him, I certainly couldn't do it without his continued support.

From here on out, I'll be tracking my sugar once in the morning fasting (which means, I have to actually drag myself out of bed before my regular 10 am...a tough thing lately as I seem to finally find a solid deep sleep around 5:00-6:00am these days...oh and the anemia thing...). Then two hours after each meal. So far my meal plan won't be changing drastically. The nurse who taught me to use my meter today said to watch carbs and balance them with proteins but not to get too much into the counting game yet. If I find out how I respond to the things I normally eat, then we'll know more what's necessary to change or not change by the time I meet with the dietician. (Can I just let out a big FAT sigh of relief here??????) So between my three meals, I'll also work in three snacks. This is more food than I think I've eaten my entire pregnancy. It now seems like my world will revolve around eating and sugar checking.

I'm not a good eater. I'll admit hyperemesis does that to you. In all seriousness, I think there is a fair amount of PTSD that comes from throwing up everything you swallow (or try to) for weeks at a time. I'm sometimes just scared to eat, even though I only throw up once or twice a week now. I plan to address this with my dietician.

My nurse practitioner also told me something I did not know about GD (gestational diabetes). You're 50% more likely to develop Diabetes 2 in your lifetime if you've had GD. I asked her if it was weight related since there's often a stigma attached to D2 and weight. She said that while weight is certainly a contributing factor - it is not one in pregnancy (or at least not mine) and has more to do with my body's ability to regulate insulin. Therefore, if I already have a tendency to not regulate it properly and you throw a wrench in things like pregnancy or excessive weight gain - you're more likely to throw your body out of whack. It's a good reality check at my young age to not let myself go - especially as a mom who will no doubt be one of those moms that's always kids first.

So many of you have been so supportive in offering your advice on how to be diabetic and control things well. I want you to know I sincerely thank you - as you also have helped my sanity when I haven't had answers. I'm finally feeling a little more informed and much better off.

And now for the second totally different topic - preparing for Motherhood!

I was fortunate enough to feel well enough to attend a free breastfeeding 101 class offered through the health system here. I learned a lot including lots of truths and myths, the best information about current pumps out there, and most of all the free support BSA (our hospital system) offers through out your breast feeding journey even after you leave the hospital. Many of you know, I was very much on the fence about this for a fair number of reasons. The class helped calm some of my fears and put many worries aside plus hearing the number of benefits for not only m y daughter, but myself makes a pretty hard case against just formula feeding. 

Even better, I found out about a series of other free classes they offer including childbirth and "Mommy 101" - a class that helps you decipher how to use all the gadgets and things out on the market, what's necessary and what will completely fly out the window when actually taking care of a baby. There's also a monthly support group for breastfeeding. (Did I mention all of these are free???) I'm pretty sure I'm going to be signing Stephen up for Daddy Boot Camp too!

In other news...

Mom and Dad will arrive on Saturday and we are getting ready to put them to work! Stephen helped rearrange some furniture in our guest bedroom to set up our twin bed and make room for the crib in the other bedroom/nursery. The room is all set for Dad and Stephen to tackle putting together the crib, and furniture can be anchored to the wall. We managed to find a crib in a light oak color. Nancy and Jim were nice enough to give us Stephen's childhood bedroom furniture from Austria (if you remember it has a light oak top and a green stain for the draws/cabinets). We've got enough pieces for her clothes and changing table. Mom is going to help me with the curtains and the bed linens and by the time they leave we're hoping we'll have the nursery all ready to go!

Another thing that will help - the church is graciously throwing me a baby shower on Sunday. Not only am I super excited to share the experience with my mom, she's going to help me organize the nursery afterward (something she is far more gifted at than I)! 

One more thing we're looking forward to is a visit from Craig and Caroline in April. With the nursery all set they'll be plenty of room for the air mattress for Craig and with the twin bed taking place in an "official" guest room, Caroline will actually have her own bed to sleep in. Apart from the air mattress part (sorry Craig) - it feels like we actually have a home we can have guests sleep in and don't have to throw people on the couch. Ah, we're such grown-ups now! 

We are so looking forward to our family visiting! I can't even remember the last time I got to see Craig and haven't had the privilege of meeting Carolina yet- so that visit is going to be super special and may involve a little diet breaking with a trip to the Big Texan.

Just so the rest of the family doesn't miss out, we might have to spot a big table at the BIG Texan to have a BIG baptismal lunch once baby girl gets here. Rest assured though, even if she's born a Texan, she'll always know her roots are in Tennessee! Her blood runs Tennessee orange by nature of her parents and there's no escaping that!

I know I always end this way, but truly...thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Thank you to all of you who sent messages to me empathizing and advice giving in the past week and beyond. God has blessed me with some really fabulous people in life!

 

 

I'd have a nervous breakdown...

but I'm too damn tired.

Ok, so I realize reading a whiny post about pregnancy woes is probably not the first thing on your list to do. But maybe this will help someone...or maybe it'll just be great therapy for me.

March. Last post we were going to see what kind of month you are and I never thought you would disappoint, but really, I'm feeling a little on my last string here. To be honest, I would rather just quit this whole pregnancy thing. It's just that in the end I really do want the little girl growing inside me provided she's not so much of a hellion on the outside. ;-) Since quitting isn't an option I guess I'll just continue to suck it up.

I'll move on from the whole "pregnancy is supposed to be a happy time" because I gave up on that a long time ago. These last two blows just make me want to throw up my hands and say "well sh*t." I'm anemic, and diabetic. I've heard moms say they prefer being pregnant because they felt they could protect their baby better. I feel like my body is saying "Get this alien out of here, what were thinking?!"

I'll admit these are not big things. Lots of pregnant women become anemic, and lots of pregnant women are diabetic. The problem with the two of these for me is diet. I still throw up occasionally and the iron supplements I'm on really aren't helping things. Up until this point, my doctors recommendation has been "Eat anything you can keep down." I was terrified of the glucose test because I was afraid any bout of throwing up would get me back in an HG downward spiral and land me back in the hospital. But more than that, I was terrified I wouldn't pass because I'll be honest...if something doesn't sound good I often just don't eat because forcing myself to eat makes me even more nauseous. The idea of eating frequently (which I'll admit might actually help the nausea) but only eating certain things kind of freaks me out. What do I eat when I'm sick feeling...crackers...what are crackers?...Carbs...what are carbs? Sugars. Add to that I really know nothing about blood sugar and chemistry.

I was pretty certain I failed the three hour. I felt miserable the whole time...like I'd throw up at any moment, a splitting headache and a tiredness that made me want to skip eating afterwards just so I could lay down. (I did eat though.)

With all this extra anxiety and nervousness of what is being diabetic and having hyperemesis and and iron deficiency going to look like, you can imagine I'm fairly emotionally overloaded. Then I got a call from the doctors office that I'm not going to get to see the diabetic dietition until April 2nd. I'll then be seven months pregnant instead of six months pregnant...I'm 4'10 so let's just let this girl get so big she'll just jump out of my womb on her own. Ok, that was my flair for the dramatic. The nurse said she's putting a directive into the doctor about it tomorrow as last we talked I was supposed to keep a journal, change my diet and report my sugar numbers in two weeks. As I've said before, I love Dr. Anderson and I'm confident he will address this and it will be a non-issue by tomorrow but it just adds to things.

I want to give a shout out to you all who are posting advice on diabetes already. I love your support. I need it in all honesty. This pregnancy has been so much of a group effort, baby girl will never understand the amount of love that has surrounded her before she even gets here. It brings tears to eyes of this already over-emotionally stimulated hormonal pregnant woman. You're the best group of friends, church members and family anyone could ever ask for and I thank God for you all the time. If I had a bible in front of me I'd lift up Phil 1:3-6. It goes something like "Everyday I give thanks to my God for the good works that have been done through you in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ..." You're good news spreaders and I've needed a lot lately. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

::Confessional::A Snarky Post! How about that pregnancy!

I've been fairly positive - well as positive as possible - while blogging about this pregnancy and I thought it might be time I post some humorous musings about what this pregnancy has been like so far. It's also a look inside this preacher's wife so that you might think I'm actually a little bit human. And by a little bit human I mean, I don't always have nice thoughts. :-) A sinner in need of redeeming you might say! CONFESSION time!

Let us not forget our humble beginning in the ER. Who knew I'd end up getting so familiar with that place!

"I think I had a cyst burst." Doctors response "Who cares, you're pregnant."

Ok, so the doc didn't actually say who cares...but it was kind of like after that positive pregnancy test, no one cared to figure out whether or not the cyst actually burst. The first time I realized I was a mother and the world is no longer about me! :-)

Up until about 10 weeks - I gained about six lbs on my small frame and felt like a boat. Because we ended up telling people I was pregnant earlier than we probably would have (if you remember my original due date was moved from May 27 to June 10th) - I heard a lot of "You don't look pregnant". The perfect thing to say when my face was puffing and my pants wouldn't zip...it's like saying "You always looked that fat." Just...don't.

From then on it was a downward spiral in which I thought I'd never feel bad about gaining pregnancy weight again. It went like this. Eat. *Barf* Drink *Barf* sleep *Barf* Drink *Barf*. Well why don't you drink some ginger ale and eat some saltine crackers. Word to the wise, if you ever meet a pregnant lady who is constantly going to the emergency room for fluids because she can't keep anything down...don't suggest ginger...or saltines. Ginger ale (because of the sugar) often made me want to throw up more - which on my darkest days when it was a good thing no one saw me - I would have promptly thrown it up in your face for good effect. (And you thought I had a good attitude through all this!)

Trip to Chicago. Spend a good night visiting friends in Compton, IL...and fell ill, later to be diagnosed with Flu B after we got home. Fantastic.

Then - my grandfather who has expressed wanting great-grand babies for YEARS...the best was on me the youngest (thanks a lot cousins...) died suddenly from a stroke. I wanted so bad to have a great grand baby for him to hold and spoil and slip candy, not to mention he was the healthier of my grandparents. Boo. I still have random dreams he's still a live - chalk that up to pregnancy hormones and wicked real dreams. I don't have anything snarky to say about this just that it sucks.

Enter December...the worst month of them all. It went something like this. *BAARRFFFFFFF* ER visit. Doctor follow up. *BARFFFFFFFF* ER visit, Doctor follow up. *BARFFFFFFFFF* ER visit doctor visit - are you sure you don't want to be admitted to the hospital? no thank you *BARFFF* Doc: "Go to the hospital NOW." A week of no solid food, a three day stay, a liquid diet, and then eventually the best tasting sandwich I've ever had in my life. :-)

Christmas: Cancel plans to go to NC (which would've been canceled anyway because we couldn't get out due to snow) which now plagues me because I haven't checked in with my grandmother since Papa died, and I haven't seen my other Nana in well over a year and I'm convinced someone else is going to drop dead. PTSD for this expecting mama....

The plane ride to Nashville went like this. Up , do*BARF*wn  Zofran. and repeat. three times. Then ride in a car for three hours...GET ME ON SOLID GROUND!!!. I held my composure somewhat ok - I think...A trip to the movies that required me to walk four blocks after having just got out of the hospital...meant almost passing out, feeling like I might barf all the way through Les Mis (and yet it was still a fantastic movie!) and passing out for what seemed like days when I really wanted to see friends.

January was spent feeling mostly like I'd been hit by a truck as I continued to gain my strength back. A baby bump started to show and I traded "You don't look pregnant" for a gast stares of "You're due...when??" Oh great every pregnant woman wants to hear not only is she HUGE....she's not going to make it to her due date. Guess what I'm 4'10 and this baby doesn't have ANYWHERE to go. You're at least a foot taller than me. Turn around, start over and tell me I'm beautiful and glowing - then I forgive you. :-) Also, references that involve sayings like "You look like you're almost ready to pop!" Are not helpful either. And please...don't tell me you hope I can enjoy my pregnancy. I don't. I hate it...like every aspect of it. But just like the beginning...I realized real quick life's not just about me anymore. This kid is AMAZING and I wouldn't trade her for anything. Just don't laugh at me when I tell you I won't do it again.

Oh and guess what...her...it's a baby GIRL!!!! :-)

February- back to work I go. One day a week...wait that was just optimism. But I don't mind it that much. I will take it over September, October,..November,...December.. oh.and JANUARY. OH what's that, my kitchen needs to be remodeled now. No problem I'll just spend three weeks in a hotel while my house is trashed. Crash, burn, pre-term labor scare...well I wouldn't be pregnant if it wasn't still interesting!

March - well it's day one, so we'll have to see. Bring on the third-trimester because this pregnancy is taking FOR- EV-ER...

Good news? Tomorrow - only 100 days left. Thanks be to God if it weren't Lent I'd throw in an "a-word" oh heck who cares this is a confessional anyway AL-LE-LU-IA to my GOD! I'm an Easter person after all.

Other good news...my cat has been wonderful company through all this and he topped off tonight's post by getting up to eat after he drooled on my leg. I hope that means I'll be a good mom when I get drooled and pooped on because I still think this cat deserves an award for keeping me sane when I didn't feel like holding my head up. Well...that and my husband...who bathed me, cooked for me (even if it meant making jello or putting ice water in a glass and holding a straw to my mouth), drove me to the ER...wrote numerous sermons sitting in hospital rooms and has shown up to every doctors appointment I've had since we knew about baby. He's going to be a fantastic dad.

And you. My family and friends who have been praying us through it all... look back at this post and wonder how I've survived. God, prayers, and good support from YOU. Thank you.

Kitchen update and a Blizzard!

You may have seen on the news that we had a historic blizzard blow through on Monday. We were a lead story on CNN and ABC's nighttime newscast. Kind of crazy here in little 'ol Amarillo! Also, I haven't posted any pictures from our kitchen remodel and I know a lot of people have been requesting them!

Things are mostly done. We're still waiting on the electrical guy to come fix a few outlets that aren't working. There are also holes around the breaker box we're waiting to get fixed...but at least we're back in the house and the stress level has been reduced after spending three weeks in a hotel.

First we start with the before pictures:

This picture shows the layout of the old kitchen. We decided to flip flop the design as you'll see we know have an island that juts out on the other side. The flooring as you can tell had been replaced and was somewhat new, but because the tile was laid around the existing cabinets, there were holes in the floor after the cabinets were ripped out that we could not match tile for. Keith, the guy in the denim shirt closest too us, had lived in the parsonage previously after his family's house burned down (if you recall that was part of the call process story of getting into the house). He suggested we change the tile orientation and pick a tile to match the back splash and thus separate the eating area and the kitchen area. Apparently, he did something similar at his new house. It turned out fantastic!

 
If you notice the guy in the picture and how the counter tops are below his waist, you'll realize how low our counter tops were! The flooring had been replaced so many times that it kept making the counter tops lower and lower. I for one didn't really mind :), but Stephen had to practically bend over to prepare food.




The house was retro fitted with a dishwasher and because the counter tops were so low, a portion of the counter top was taken out and this faux wood block was put over top the dishwasher that then sat about two inches above the rest of the counter tops. It also didn't really drain properly because of the way water was having to be rigged to get to it. As we continued to face problem after problem it became clear the kitchen was really in need of an over haul.

And now...

The room looks and feels 3 times bigger just by knocking out the wall that existed over the old island on the other side of the room. You can kind of tell that the counter top closest to us juts out. The 10 inch over hang will eventually have bar stools under it so we can eat there, but we also thought it would be an excellent place to put food servers out when we have people over. Notice the diagonal pattern of the tile. It stops just after the refrigerator where the old told begins again.

 

From this orientation the breakfast bar pictured before is to Stephen's right. We love this picture and it picks up the orange tint in the wall. We purchased this picture at the gift shop at Cumberland Gap the summer before we moved out to Amarillo when we stayed at a family friends lake house for about five days. We still look fondly on how peaceful that trip was...the fall colors on the mountains, the lake view, the hammock I read in for hours. Looking at the picture brings back those memories and we're happy to have an honored place for it now!

  

Stephen hung blinds and the curtains on the window opposite the wall with the picture, as well as over the sink.  He did a fantastic job. The best part about this window is the blinds were $32, and the curtain rod and curtain came from Tuesday morning for $11 and $7 respectively. Now that's an affordable window treatment! 

This is a picture of the wall before the picture was hung showing this side of the cabinets. Behind the block of knives is this fantastic feature:

 

That's right. Our kitchen is tech savvy with USB ports right into the wall. Another shout-out to Keith for hooking us up with such an awesome outlet! It pays to have a guy who just recently re-did his own kitchen head up the project. Who knew all this cool stuff exists? Keith does! Who spoiled the pastor and his wife? Keith does! 

Here's a better picture after we got things set out the way we wanted them a few days after we moved back in. Another cool feature of our cabinets and drawers? They're spring loaded and quietly close themselves after a gentle nudge shut. Great for not waking a baby while cleaning up the kitchen! 

AND NOW> News on the blizzard!

Day three and schools are back in session but things are not really thawed out much. After 19 inches of snow and high winds that caused snow drifts 3-6 foot high - you can imagine that takes a while.

I was surprised Amarillo ISD didn't have a delay at least this morning because our roads are still covered, icy and slick. It sounds like most of the major roads have now been plowed, but it will be a while before that's the case in our neighborhood. 

The blizzard was supposed to start Sunday morning and it was hard to believe we were going to be as bad as they were forcasting when this is what the weather channel was saying.

That's just Texas weather for you. Come this Sunday we'll have a high of 69! I appreciate this kind of snow. It melts quickly and the sun comes out!

This was the view out our back door on Monday morning. Look at the tiki light to gain a perspective on how much snow that is! Being pregnant and lacking sufficient clothing for this kind of weather (not to mention now good way to health care if I fell!) I did not go out, but Stephen just had to! A big snow and he's like a kid in a candy store!

 

Here's one of his famous self-portraits we all know and love!

It wasn't until things started to clear off that we realized just how poor visibility was! Yesterday he got out and shoveled the sidewalk in front of the house. (What a good husband!)

 

  I was impressed and thankful for his hard work, because just past the steps was a four foot drift he had to dig through. I rather think he enjoyed playing in the snow though! 

I've always had a theory that every time we have a wind storm that it makes a whirlwind in our back yard between all our buildings. I took this picture yesterday when the few inches left around the tree had melted...but I had confirmation based on the snow blown pattern!

 

My usual route to church is through the back yard here into that playground outside the nursery but if you look hard enough, you can tell there's a drift that's piled up against the door...guess I'll take the long way around tonight!

And in case you were wondering...this is what the cat thought of everything.

He alternated between this and facing out the window to see what was going on...but most of the time, we was sleeping. Imagine that.

And the baby didn't know the difference all curled up warm in my womb. She continues to kick up a storm and they are getting a lot stronger! Every now and then I feel hiccups. Last night I woke up yelping in pain as I felt a "pop" sensation around one of my ligaments low in my belly. Then, I swear I felt the rest of my stomach stretching. The weird sensations of pregnancy no one really says anything about...I feel like I did an ab workout in my sleep. Her kicks make me feel like I'm using a muscle I wore out but I'm taking it all as a sign she's growing and healthy which after what we've been through in last couple weeks, I am all for it!

Last Wednesday, I cantored Holden Evening Prayer and none of the cinctures (the ropes around the alb) would fit around my belly. I had Stephen take a picture.

I love Holden Evening Prayer, but I also loved feeling as though I was serenading baby girl and bring her to worship God before she really knows what's going on. I can't wait to take her to church and sing hymns to her and teach her liturgy so she sings it by heart before she reads...(Oh the dreams of a Pastor's wife!) It also makes me feel a little bit like a rebel serving God as a woman leading a service with a big ol' pregnant belly. :-) Yes, that's how a woman serves her God! ROAR! Girl power...hahahaha....

Hope this finds you all well!  Thank you for your continued prayers!

Baby girl, you're my favorite valentine!

Dear Baby Girl,

You have been kicking up a storm today. I was nervously waiting on a test being done to tell me if you're coming soon or not and you kept kicking the heart monitor. It made me giggle and cut my nerves in half - thank you.

Today is Valentines Day. You will probably learn it's about love for another person. That butterfly feeling in your stomach when you really like someone and want to tell them. I have felt that way about your dad for nine years now...well ok, I'll be honest, a little longer than that because he took some convincing! But today, I have love for you different than the romantic love I have for your dad. I have love for you that I have never imagined and you don't even have to make an appearance...in fact I hope you don't! (At least for a while)

For the longest time, I agonized over taking medicine for fear it would harm you, but I decided to stay on something to help me keep happy and calm so that you might have a better chance to grow strong and healthy. But you threw me for a loop when you made me so sick. In fact, you made me throw all those worries out the window because all I wanted was my sweet little baby to grow healthy and strong, and after I stopped throwing up all those good nutrients I was trying to give you, I was convinced those medicines were for the best. I still think they were because otherwise we wouldn't have made it this long!

I'll admit I was afraid something would be wrong with you. Maybe you wouldn't have five fingers or five toes, maybe you wouldn't see or hear well...maybe you would have a hard time living life on your own. But now, I could care less and I vow to protect and love you and take care of you for as long as you need me. (Which if you're anything like me...that will be a long time because your Mimi has been a big helper during this pregnancy with you, and I am taking a wild guess she'll only be more help in the future!)

Truth is, I don't care how you come out as long as your alive and able to breath and have a heartbeat that is all your own. I hope you stay inside me long enough for that to happen and the longer the better. I can protect you and take good care of you and as your mom who loves you SO much, I want nothing more for you!

For the record, you've already captured your dad's heart too. You don't know this but he gave you a pep talk to stay in there before I went for a test this morning. You are so loved and this Valentines Day, not only are your mommy and daddy filled to the brim with love so is the rest of your family who can't wait to meet you in due time. 

I wish you could understand this love and I bet you will someday when you have your own little one...when your thirty in a strong relationship with someone. ;-)

Happy Valentines Day, baby girl.

I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!

Betsy